Banana (TV) Report #3: December 1998.

Is it Clive James or Tony Squires? No! It's Dylan with his own unique blend of tv criticism in the all new Banana Report for December 1998.

As the television viewing year draws to a close and we head into the small screen entertainment void known as summer in the southern hemisphere, I thought I may as well review what's been happening recently in television. Actually, I couldn't think of any jokes to make about recent news events, so I figured IĠd talk about TV instead. Got a problem with that?

David Letterman celebrated five years on a single TV network without being axed, with a 90 minute prime time special last week. Although I did not watch the special, I calculated that they probably showed the 12 second clip of Drew Barrymore flashing her breasts, 414 times in a row. That being the most memorable moment of the show from the last five years.

After 25 years on the same network (beat that, Dave), The Midday Show was axed from the lineup here at Channel Nine in Australia. The Australian public let out a celebratory scream of "ABOUT TIME!", but the show did not leave empty handed. Last week it won the People's Choice award for "Favourite Show for people with grey hair". Our US readers can find out more about Australia's only day time talk variety show when Talk Soup Down Under airs on the E! network sometime this month. Then they can cry.

This year, Australia also launched their own version of the successful MTV series The Real World, where a group of people live rent free in a house for 3 months to be filmed and observed for television, with most of the boring bits edited out. The House from Hell varied from its American counterpart by having obstacles, such as challenges and difficulties thrown in their way, where the non-compliance or non-completion would result in a large fine. The most challenging obstacle faced by the six Australians was living a week without beer! (This is true).

Also this summer, a number of movies have been turned into television series which will be filling the void of summer viewing. These include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Clueless, The Net and La Femme Nikita. Other successful movies that have been turned into unsuccessful TV shows include:

• Weekend at Bernies: Every week Bernie is still dead.
• Wag the Dog: Every week the president of the United States bombs a different country to divert attention from the fact he is a nymphomaniac.
• Jurassic Park: Every week the Dinosaurs accidentally take over the park and get out, before being put back at the end of the episode, so the whole thing can happen again next week.
• Ghost (aka "Dating the Un-Dead"): Every week Patrick Swayze's character goes out on a supernatural date with a hot, dead chick.
• Babe: In the final episode, Babe gets turned into delicious Garibaldi luncheon meat.

Last month the US show 60 Minutes aired dramatic footage of Doctor Death, Jack Kevorkian killing a terminally ill patient by lethal injection. As with any major TV event, there were special steps taken:

• If the patient declined, there was a standby guy back stage who was ready to die.
• On screen scoreboard read "Dr. Kevorkian - 1, Dead Guy - Nil"
• Like the Superbowl, special commercials were developed by advertisers, including one where a bottle of Coca-Cola lethally injected a bottle of Pepsi and it died.
• A 1-800 number was set up so you could order transcripts. The highlight of the transcript "Patient: Ouch!".
• Slow motion instant replays of the moment of death from seven different camera angles, including the patented "CBS Syringe Cam (tm)".
• And coming next week: Celebrities Commit Assisted Suicide, with special guest suiciders, Sir Anthony Hopkins and the Spice Girls.