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One month on, Cyclone Nargis caused widespread humanitarian devastation in Burma, only made worse by the cruelly indifferent military junta government. Conditions are so bad, Australian World Vision head Tim Costello returned home with dysentery. It must run in the family: his brother Peter has had sever diarrhea coming out of his mouth for decades. US President George W. Bush even offered Myanmar an extensive rescue package that would bring their disaster infrastructure up to American standards: he offered to build them an ill-equipped, leaky and unpowered NFL Superdome shelter and give them some formaldehyde-soaked mobile homes. The UN also tried to visit Burma, almost leading to a Banned Ban Ki Moon. Also in the past month, a massive earthquake hit the middle of inland China. Mandarin speaking Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd tried to offer his personal condolences to the victims of the Sichuan Earthquake, but instead he just wound up ordering the Szechuan Beef with Black Bean sauce. Just weeks out from the Beijing Olympics, the Earthquake has forced China to launch new training regimes for their athletes including the 3-tonne badly-constructed school roof bench-press and a new cross-country running event: the 100 km dash into the "most effected areas". The Chinese have been publicly praised for their efforts, with Chinese TV showing amazingly stirring rescue footage and tales of heroism around the clock. In a related story, film directors Wong Kar Wai, Ang Lee and cinematographer Christopher Doyle have all gone mysteriously missing. The other big news of the past couple of months: a 73-year old man in Austria was arrested for having his own "private incest dungeon" under her his house, where he locked up his own daughter and bastard/incest grandchildren for the last 24-years. "We can't believe this happened, we thought Inspector Rex was on top of the backlog of all the basement torture dungeon cases," said a shocked President Heinz Fischer. In defiance of the Unions, Premier Morris Iemma is on-track to sell off the power in New South Wales: I predict it will be in Liberal hands by 2011. Also in Australian news, former Gitmo inmate Mamdouh Habib declared that while in captivity, he vomited during two marathon 15-hour interrogation sessions. "It was torture. They forced me to watch Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalow ten times in a row!" In politics, Hillary Clinton is on track to become President of Puerto Rico, and has launched a new campaign slogan: "PLEASE SEND ME YOUR MONEY! ANYTHING!?!? PLEASE. EVEN JUST A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING. BILL'S GOTTA EAT!" In showbiz, Alex Dimitriadis has announced he's "a bloody idiot", though not for his drink driving charge. Rather, for appearing in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalow. "What was I thinking? My career is finished!!" Also since the last Banana Report, Earth Hour took place in late March, and to prove how environmental and green I am, I drove around with my headlights off for the whole hour. Ted Kennedy: not assassinated. He is the disappointment of the family. Finally, the Macquarie Dictionary redefined the word "irony" in time for it's 2009 edition. It now defines it as: "Dannii Minogue being a judge on Australia's Got Talent." |