Julia Gillard is the new Prime Minister of Australia. She seized the job from a crumbling Kevin Rudd, announcing it was in the best interest of the country for her to take over. On a personal note, I've decided it's in the best interests of the country that I stab my boss, take his job and move into his house.
(Photo left of new Australian Prime Minister, Julian Gillard from her Facebook account. Gillard is Australia's Second female Prime Minister after John Howard.)
Kevin Rudd repeated broke down during his farewell speech. Ohhhh - could someone not find his hair dryer again? I blame that new First Bloke Tim, I bet he nabbed it.
Amongst Gillard's first acts as Prime Minister, she declared she wants to get rid of the "political correctness" about asylum seekers. In keeping with her new "anti-PC" theme she then called the assembled journalists a bunch of "cracker ass crackers" and pinched the bum of Penny Wong.
One of Gillard's ideas on asylum seekers is to outsource the processing of refugees to other pacific countries like East Timor. So basically we use one country we invaded as a refuge for the fleeing refugees from another country we invaded. It's a bit like burning down your neighbours house, and then saying "it's alright, you can go stay in our neighbours burnt out house next door."
Gillard was also in talks with Kiwi Prime Minister John Key with establishing processing centre in New Zealand. Key failed to check the fine print of the possible exchange program, and as a result we now get the All Whites soccer team. Goooooal!
Due to the fast nature of the Aussie leadership change, Treasurer and new Deputy PM Wayne Swan was forced to attend the G20 leadership summit in Toronto. To avoid confusing dumb foreign leaders, Swan simply walked around saying "Ni hao ma? I'm Kevin Rudd and I've been eating burgers!"
Wayne Swan has categorically ruled out a leadership challenge within the next fortnight.
Since the leadership change, Defense Minister John Faulkner has decided to resign his portfolio, saying he needs some time off. The last time he went to an optometrist was obviously around 1987.
THIS JUST IN: John Faulkner's giant glasses have declared their intention to run for the Labor leadership and Prime Minister. Not only do they hark back to Labor's glory days of the 1980's (hell, I bet Hawke once drunkenly wore them) but, they're also economically conservative. And fashionably conservative. And gigantic. They'll solve the energy crisis: Faulkner will hold them up in front of a new solar farm, thereby creating clean energy for millions of Australians!
They'll also solve the refugee crisis: anyone wearing them can see refugee boats from two hundred kilometres off shore! The boats will never leave Indonesia! John Faulkner's giant glasses will solve all of Austalia's problems.
Since becoming a normal citizen again, Kevin Rudd has held onto his twitter account and, surprise suprise, shown himself to be the boring, middle class, middle aged white man he is. "Sad to leave the animals in Canberra with friends for a while," he moans inanely, "Turns out I'm still a lousy shopper" he whines. Cheer up KRudd. If this was Fiji, Zimbabwe or Malaysia, you'd be banished to an island, in a car "accident" or fighting sodomy charges from jail. Australia is a pretty good place, I'm sure you can cope with buying your own $3 cartons of milk until the next leadership spill next month.
End rant.
The G20 meeting also saw rioting in Toronto, the first non-hockey related rioting in Canadian history.
Speaking of Canada, the Queen is currently visiting the North American country, and has announced that by royal ascent a new outdoor game: Bieber-hunting. Also on her North American trip, Her Majesty gave her first speech at the United Nations in fifty-three years. "I'm here to show my support today to an institution as relevant and important today as I am," she declared.
The Football World Cup is about to finish in South Africa, which was saddened by the absence of South Africa's father of democracy, Nelson Mandela. When inquiring as to the 91 year-old's whereabouts, journalists consulted his Twitter feed and found that he was "OMG totes in front line for new Twilight, Edward better get his kid off for dis saucy tart, LOLZ."
After the World Cup, the German team coach, Joachim Low, is looking forward to a relaxing holiday along the US/Mexican border with his faithful bolt pistol, and a steady diet of his own snot.
The BP Oil Spill continues continues dumping around 9 million litres of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico after a deep sea offshore oil rig exploded there two months ago. To put that in comparison, that's how much oil Ian Thorpe uses in his hair in one week!
The Daily Show has been accused of discrimination after they hired an occasional swimwear model as their new correspondent, former G4 host Olivia Munn. Hey Jon Stewart! If you're after thirty year old satirists who are bootylicious and not afraid to wear bikinis around the office - I'll keep my ears open for you.
Singer Lily Allen has announced she's over playing music and her life is "pointless, innit". Lily, we all realised your life had no point the first time we heard "Smile". Move on.
Musician Prince has announced the "internet is completely over" and will never sell his music over the internet, instead giving away copies of his latest CD free with newspapers in the U.K. "The newspapers are our future," the pop star declared from his asbestos filled mansion via morse code telegraph, before eating a Croissandwich and checking his MySpace.
Bearded men have more sex according to a recent survey. "Bearded men are more confident, attractive and more seem more intelligent," said one expert, stroking his beard. "Now fancy a bum?"